• Monica Jackson

2020 from me at 23

Its 2020, if you set goals for this year January 1st great! If you are reading this Oct. 27 & want to set an intention, pat yourself on the back. Mon, if you are re-reading this you are doing the dang thing, on your time in your own way, congrats girl! Sometimes you just go through a season of life that is hard or a season that doesn’t line up with the societal joy & feelings of inspiration. I’m here to say that is okay- you will send way more exhausting energy trying to make it work then if you let it come on it’s own.

The mantra I am setting in 2020 is to not hold back (my thoughts, emotions, or ambition).

This came from a story( keep reading its a good one) & a desire to be growing myself. That means when i can challenge myself to say what I feel & being clear with what pervive or am going off off. Instead of asking myself what I want to do in 2020, I said what I want to be- A person who dose not hold back!

Story time...I promise it’s relevant, it came at a time when it was most needed (just happened to be NYE). I wrote about this in “When Is Life Going To Go Up?” I thought I had an ultimatum on the table after undergrad of potentially the Peace Corps or finishing my masters & hanging out with this friend had feelings for (but i didn’t know how he felt).

I felt so much pressure from the whole situation & need clarity somewhere. I am a person who wants to see every perspective before i can make any moves, regarding anything! I was struggling with being patient through the decision process of the Peace Corps. But also i couldn’t figure him out (was he picking up on the hints? Is this just friends getting closer or....?) so i decided if the only thing i had control over was my feeling, I needed to tell him! I wrote out some points that I wanted to make sure were said like “we are good enough friends that i think we can move past this if you don’t feel the same way.” Then I tried to do say something two different times but I was too scared, when I did he said he didn’t feel way about me in THE NICEST WAY POSSIBLE & I guess I didn’t think through what happens either way after words because I didn’t know what to say.

The next few hours I was shocked at how light I felt because of it. Subconsciously I had put all this “what if” pressure that was gone before it was even something (okay it lasted all of 2019...but) I am not holding back in 2020. It feels really healthy to adjust my expectations of this situation & other friendship, as a result I have felt more deeply loved by some pretty amazing people. To 2020, 23 & not holding back!

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