The AND Mentality
Updated: Aug 13
I’m trying to be better about recognizing what I am feeling and where the deepest negative feelings are stemmed from. I’ve identified that they are from my job search & search for a romantic relationship right now. Which makes sense because those are both very big & important things to me. Also timely with what’s been happening in my life.
Regarding the job search, I feel I have been kicked off The Bachelor and hired at The Bachelor In Paradise. I have a few serious interests from suitors(schools) all on similar timelines. But, I also know that they are considering other people. I’ve only watched one season of both shows still the similarities to the shows are obvious right?! So that makes sense but...
What do I do about anxious feelings coming on? For me right now that’s deciding on the job, let’s say they are in Charlotte, NC, or Gainesville, FL. Both have great opportunities & potential. I think about how my personal AND professional life would be great in both circumstances/situations. Either way, I choose, it will amazing and the right decision. So much excitement for the awesome outcome either way, in other words, it comes from a place of “AND” not “but” outlook.
I think another part of the anxiety is coming from changing what I have done to get success to this point. I’ve been applying for 4 jobs a week for about 8 weeks now. It seems to take about 3 weeks after closing the application to hear back from someone. That part of the search seems to be over, because I am somewhere in the process of being considered at 7 different schools. The applications take a lot of time and energy every week, that I now have back. But, unless I am intentional with newfound time, it can turn into negative energy quickly in this hurry up and wait for phase. I wish there was a way to glorify the number of hours that go into success.
The time & the spaciousness is not the enemy here! I know I as a centered person I can handle any outcome. But I want to make sure I’m transparent about the process for future me to read back on this. There has been a spectrum of emotions I have experienced in this process. Here is a reminder that I don’t have to stay positive when I’m going through it. My emotional responses are acceptable. Bad days are normal don’t let my brain lie to me like that.
Regarding romantic relationships, I know there are some deep feelings because it’s also really important to me. However, I know it’s hard to have to conflict but true identities (moving for a job and searching for a relationship). This goes back to the and mentality, I can have the job AND romantic relationship I want. I have been simultaneously trying to achieve both and as a result, I felt exhausted, unhappy, and of course anxious. So the job is going to come first this time because I will have a long term partner and a job eventually. I don’t want to regret the time I’m single, I know it‘s for a season that might seem long now but will be short in hindsight.
I do want to walk you through some of the recent thoughts and experiences I had to get to this point because how you relate to your mistakes is who you are.
My last partner and I broke up in March because our own identities and beliefs were conflicting with one another’s. I think I also felt pressure to stay in Louisville to stay with him. I am thankful for him but also that it ended when it did. We haven’t talked or seen each other and he doesn’t have social media. Not that everyone has to do a breakup this way but it felt healthy for me to move forward. I took away a lot of thoughts about what I wanted to have in common and how I wanted to be treated in my next relationship.
Growing means outgrowing- people, jobs relationships, habits, hobbies, needs & old versions of yourself. I’ve been reflecting & noticing ways that I have grown/could grow more. Learning that it’s okay to want people to like you & at the same time to be okay when they don’t. Not to beat me up when I learn I have outgrown that person/job/relationship have/hobby/need. I think the faster I can get to a point of excepting that the easier it is. This reality-especially in the relationship category- can be difficult to move past something.
For example, after processing my relationship I was then was interested in a guy I knew from high school but was living in Louisville. I’ve given him a shot before I got into a relationship but it didn’t work out at the time. I know everyone has a story and I thought maybe he was still in my life for a reason. I do think people can have second chances but I had to learn the hard way when that chance was up. I had thought maybe he had some baggage he needed to figure out, but he couldn’t articulate than me. I carry my baggage as well, everyone does but it’s more concerning if you don’t talk about it than the actual baggage itself.
Something that helps me is knowing they did show me & I wanted to believe something different then the reality, maybe it’s because I wear my heart on my sleeve- believing that people have the best intention. But there is someone out there who is good enough for me TODAY. Not the person I want them to be tomorrow. Sometimes I am genuinely throwing away my time, compassion, and energy if I expect that person to change in the way that I see they need growth to stay in my life. When I do this I’m giving it to somebody that needs to change but the reality is that they don’t have the capacity within themselves to do this. Nothing I do is going to change them so I think the best thing is to set the example of practicing who I want to be & be that. It’s an energizing Truth to take back your power AND change who you want to be.
Okay, y’all this was pretty dense, so I’ll leave you with this...I love you AND I’m proud of you!!