• Monica Jackson

The Respect We Give Our Self

Updated: Feb 24

I wanna talk about the respect we give ourselves with the progress we have made. Last week I was on the borderline of a major meltdown. I was having some technical difficulties with a tough website project I was commissioned for. I was feeling really lonely because of COVID & an irregular schedule. On top of that a short term relationship ended with a really nice guy, to make matters worse he blamed it on leaving for Peace Corps. A legitimate answer down the line, but still a sore spot. I was trying to anticipate & plan instead of actually realizing what I was feeling.

The smash lab from the picture could have helped but...Mon COVID doesn't like plans. Although I think have done a good job coping with something that acts direct opposite of way I am, I have to think of about what I’m actually enduring. Let’s talk about the different between something being hard & feeling hard.

Some hard things:

Not being able to buy this weeks groceries

Not being able to pay this months rent.

Loosing a sibling, loosing a parent, loosing a spouse.

Feeling hard:

Building something on the website you’ve never done before.

Hanging out with friends during covid (from a Quality time love language-er)

Online dating ( I consider this a luxury/privilege)

There are time I start to get discouraged, that I have to do a reality check...Mon is this hard or dose this just feel hard? Most of the time me, with my privileges, it isn’t hard thing. It just feels hard, I know this doesn’t negate the feeling I’m having. But maybe if I can figure out why I’m feeling this way I can relive some of the symptoms & the root cause.

With the issue of the Peace Corps & the break up, it was layered...

First I lost track of why I wanted to go to the Peace Corps in the fist place, understandably so as I have to wait at least a year from when I were supposed to leave. I am still putting words to what exactly my why now is. But I think as long as my why is sIll valid that it’s still in grasp. I also think really hard to get excited for something that has an undetermined start date.

Secondly, I keep dating nicer & nicer guys (good job!) So it makes it a harder ending. Maybe instead of trying to date to get into a relationship I should date for the desired feeling of X (happiness, laughter, good hugs :). More of dating to enjoy the feelings, less about the end goal.

I want to say to remember to look back at the growth that I have made. Me 2 years ago would have never let myself flow through some of the experience I have & now I can coach myself out of more bad times. What I mean by that is I think of the whole range of human emotions (see below & credit to Hillary Rushford).

When I think about this bonus year I know I have grown in my skills to move from a 19 to a 7 in a few hours compared a younger version of myself that would be stuck at a 16 regardless of the situation. It makes me excited to take on The Peace Corps/new relationships & whatever else COVID wants to throw my way.

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