When I Struggle To Be Alone + What I have Learned From Dating
Updated: Jul 4
*Note to the reader: This blog is largely written as a journal to process my thoughts & experience take any advice into account with an adaptation to your own situation & mindset.
A few months ago I got out of a relationship, no regrets about that. (If you are on the fence I would say walking away is scary but staying stuck is also scary. One of them might have a better outcome, only you can decide that. Dually, I think you have every right to keep trying until it begins to hurt you) I digress… I want to expand on the period after where I have had to figure me all over again.
I want to say to myself, I see you making strides, your growth game has been incredible lately. It’s positive exciting it’s what you’ve been striving for & yet it can feel challenging and incredibly lonely- you’re grieving what you are out grew and that doesn’t come softly.
What I would ask you is “What if it gets better?” I’ve seen it again and again to be true, when a door closes or to walk through another door. The most tangible superhero power that I want is asking the right questions, for my own self talk and self southing benefit.
Also applicable to getting to know a partner. Brenee Brown said that the most trusted colleague & leadership asking for help & clarity to the point of understand. I mean think about it I know you value me or my ideas if you asked questions and really get specific on the deliverables. I think that can transfer over to a relationship, some my criticize that it would scare a potential partner away to lay it all out on the table but I would say then it’s not for the right partner! That message might look like:
“For now I’m looking for respect full treatment and good communication & some really fun date, and I’m hoping that turns into something long term & serious with the right person!”
To me this is actually so refreshing, it states my intention early. If we aren’t wanting the same thing it’s a gentle way to move on. I mean is the kindist in person in the room also the least likely to share where they came from & who they are? NO, the health & healing indicators of the people who write about the trauma are astonishing. I want to take a second to say if you have hard stories thank you for sharing them & if you have easy moments please celebrate them related to dating or not.
Someone who isn’t willing to be open or communicate isn't looking to be with me. I have to tell myself, I’m not flawed, if something isn’t working it might not be about me. Also, I shouldn’t go to the most extreme option or just scrap it (but it’s where my brain wants to go). For example, if I have a stomach ache I’m not going to get surgery right away. It’s more of a 5% change. Change how I’m dating 5%, maybe instead of waiting till they text me I’ll reach out when I’m thinking about them. In the last 3 months 2 things that have helped me with this are
No longer careing what people think about me (to a degree) me liking me is the most important
Get really clear about what I want (to others, to the universe, to myself)
While understanding the ambiguity of a person and relationship can be scary & in the next season of my life has a lot of unknown, it’s not something I take lightly. Yet I have to believe, I truly have so much to offer, someone is ready for what I want…(if do I find another dead end then I want to be thought of as the one that got away!) I also what to acknowledge your anxiety, it tells you things aren’t going to work out/you should freak out/it’s going to end & you’ll be alone but you gotta stop setting your self up for failure! Truefully, it’s a hard one for me to over come. I don’t love being alone even in a non-romantic way, this gets to move in a forward motion:
Be aware of all the avoidant behaviors -> schedule something to look forward to just by yourself
Its okay to listen & feel your emotions then to react intuitively
Let go of the feeling from the past relationships or experiences that hurt you
There is so much more then being at the whim of other people. Today I remind myself, just because people are getting things that I want quicker than me. Does not mean that it’s not possible for me, there’s a reason I don’t have it right now.
I am sharing this one publicly because I believe, sometimes when you go through something, you aren’t going through it for just you. Sometimes there is someone that will need what you have after you get through that experience. We do not quit on ourselves, we do not keep ourselves stuck, we get our a$$ up no ma’am I’m coming with you!